coasting

A somewhat surprising number of my high school friends have/are getting married and having kids. This phenomenon is startling to me because I can't see how they could possibly be ready for such a feat. And I'm not even talking emotionally/psychologically ready. I mean financially, logistically. I'm just making it check to check and these guys are renting homes, buying diapers.

Up until I was about 18, I never thought I wanted to have kids. I knew I could be selfish and I wanted to have a career and spend my money on trekking across the globe. But I guess that maternal instinct finally turned itself on in my senior year. I started to think about how much joy children bring. How fulfilling it must be to pass on your knowledge to this small creature so curious and willing to learn. I think what really kicked started this foray into thoughts of parenthood was that I had fallen in love for the first time. I could actually see myself getting married and growing old with him. Finally, I could envision an environment loving and stable enough to bring a child into.

I knew when I went off to college that I was putting my relationship on hold. I knew I was forcing us to be stagnant. What didn't occur to me was how much of a toll this waiting would have on my emotional well-being. I also wasn't prepared to try to keep two rapidly changing individuals in an unchanging relationship. And the gap isn't closing as the years tick by. I was supposed to be moving in with the boyfriend next month. Instead we've tacked on another two or three years until "us" could even remotely be a happy possibility.

As I watch my friends get married and start families, I wonder if I have chosen the right path for myself. I was always going to go to university. It was what was expected of me. I was always a smart girl and smart girls go to college and get degrees and enter high-paying fields. How could an A student, AP student, Honor student give up higher education to be a housewife? That would be stupid. That would be wasted potential.

But I see the way my friends look at their spouses and their children. Those looks are filled with a kind of happiness I've never even come close to. I know that I am making memories and gaining invaluable experiences at college. And I'm having fun, I have the most wonderful friends. But at the end of the day, what it all comes down to is: when I do have children, all I want to do is stay at home and love them. So why am I dragging myself into debt for an education I will eventually throw away?

I've always done what was expected of me. I want to do the right thing. But I'm coasting. I can feel it. I'm just coasting.