atriums suck

I got wet walking from the Reitz (student union) to Weimer Hall (J school building). These buildings are a three minute walk from each other. Weimer is an interesting building. It is a rectangle, the middle is empty. So when you walk through the gates, you are in Weimer, but you aren't inside the building. You are in the atrium. The atrium is covered by a glass ceiling. As stood outside on the second floor, under this glass ceiling, a sad thought occurred to me. I listended to the rain splettering on the roof and running down it's slanting glass panes. Plip plop plip plip ploosh. And I looked down at the three planters on the ground floor of the atrium filled with trees and ferns and shrubs. The plants that were watered by spriklers set at their roots and had to listen to the rain pounding the glass ceiling. They must long for that rain. They must be curious to know what it would feel like to have the drops wet their branches and pool in their leaves. I remember getting stuck in Weimer during a few really impressive thunderstorms. The rain sounded like war drums on the glass ceiling and the thunder shook the pains and echoed through the atrium. How the trees must have ached to feel the wind loosen their leaves and bend their slender trunks, designed to sway. They must feel trapped by that glass ceiling and all those bricks.

I am so scared about feeling trapped when I move in with Kenny. I mean, I love when he visits. We have the greatest time together and I never sleep better that when he has an arm slung over my side, but it won't be like his visits. He'll be working two jobs. I'll be going to school, working and doing my internship. We might not be sleeping at the same time. We might hardly ever eat dinner together. He'll wake me up when he comes home late and I'll wake him up when I get up early. What if we get on each other's nerves? We haven't been around each other so much since high school. I want to be excited, but I'm also scared. And I don't want to fall into the same pattern I always do of fucking shit up on purpose when things start going well.

hopes

I'm trying really hard to keep things that shouldn't matter from getting to me. But I feel like everything is pushing on me. It's suffocating and holding me down and pushing me to fail. I want to be confident in the decisions I've made. I want to be content with what I have, because it's good and more than I ever hoped for. It is more than I ever hoped for, but it isn't everything I hoped for. Because I used to hope for different things, things that don't fit into to what I hope for now. My dead hopes are haunting me. They're being thrown back in my face and making me question why I stopped hoping for them in the first place. But I know what I want, don't I?

Don't I?

New Semester

This semester has barely gotten underway, but I'm already focused on next fall. My boyfriend of four years is finally moving up to Gainesville and I've got a lot of figuring out to do about what I'll be doing with my final year here at UF.

Kenny's impending arrival has me making my living plans for August rather early. We hit up Apartment Hunters last week to get a list of our options and got some rather good news: a one-bedroom isn't too expensive. I immediately fell in love with a loft-style place over by the mall. We went to check it out, but they're closed on the weekends. I talked to the property manager today, though and we're going to go look at it (and probably sign a lease!) on Feb 2. The grounds are great. SO much open space and trees, so I won't feel guilty about adopting a dog from the humane society. At first I was concerned because we have to pay for our water, but the rent is only going to be 550 a month, so it shouldn't be any more than I'm paying now. It might even be a little less. I'm already planning out decor for the place. I'm going for an asian theme in living room and a beach theme in the bedroom. I've made lists for all the furnishings we need. Thankfully, my mom's giving us a sofa and I'm getting my wicker bedroom set from home. Still on the list: coffee table, bookshelf, bar stools, end table, lamp, bed frame. Craig's list, hopefully.

I'm super excited about moving in with Kenny, but also a little apprehensive. It seems like every time we get close to this point, something goes wrong. I'm a little worried about signing a lease with 6 months to go, but it lowers the rent.

I'm also starting to freak out about the fact that I only have three semesters left of college. I need to pad my resume. I'm doing an independent study with the Communications Office in the J school this semester. My boss promised me design work, but all I've done so far is grunt work. I'm hoping over the summer to intern at Insight, a local entertainment magazine, doing page layout. I'm really worried that I won't be able to find a job designing pages when I graduate, because I didn't do graphic design. I'd really like to work at a fun publication. Maybe something regional, like southern or coastal living. My dream would be Psychology Today or Play or HOW. My fallback plan is to get certified to teach and write freelance magazine articles.

I've kind of developed three imaginary lives for myself in my head.

In my first, and most ideal, fantasy future, I'm married to Kenny. He has a good programming job and I work for a relatively well known publication doing page design. We might live near the coast in some southern state (Florida, Louisiana, Georgia, whatever), California or in a New York suburb; it changes in my head (Do I want snow or sand?). We have a nice home and a couple of kids. We have lots of friends and I throw dinner parties. We save up and go on family vacations to interesting places like Peru and Prague.

In my second life, I'm single. I've climbed my way up to a good position at a magazine in NYC. I have a cozy, but stylish apartment. My friends and I go out on the town every weekend to art shows, concerts or plays. I'm a city girl and I like it. I buy expensive clothes, drive a mustang and travel in my free time.

My third life came to me briefly a while ago and never came to much fruition. The time has passed, but sometimes when I'm sitting in the movie theater next to my good friend Paul, this idea that flitted into my head for the briefest of instances flickers. I've stayed with Paul. We both teach english at the same high school. We argue about our interpretations of classic novels in front of students. We have tea and read the newspaper at night and go to the movies every weekend.

It's interesting to think about all the paths your life can take. The ones you walked down and the ones you turned around and turned your back on.